I wanted to write.  During savasana (lying down passed out in a pool of sweat), I began to write in my head.  I was even fed a theme.  Whispering through the room, my teacher suggested I reflect on two aspects of my morning’s practice that I could take into my day.  I wanted to write all about that.  That might be an interesting perspective.

So I reflected.  I started the day chaotically.  I overslept (which was a welcome change).  I ran out the door.  I raced to class.  I arrived within a minute of our start time.  I read the hours of operation on the door. I slapped my head on the wheel of my car and sighed.  Class starts at 7 am not 6:30 am.

So perhaps what I could take away from this morning’s practice could be patience or peace.

I arrived to find that I was the only student.  Raksa Sala opened recently and their classes have not completely caught on.  This was fine by me.  This was my second class and I was grateful to have my class tailored to where I am in the moment.  So perhaps I could reflect on gratitude.

I was doubtful I could make it through class, yet I managed with grace to sweat it out.  Grace?  Sweat?

I would continue to reflect.  Something would come of this.  I was feeling particularly fabulous at this point, so there was no reason to assume that I wouldn’t write my update.  But I didn’t.  And I stopped feeling fabulous.  And everything I claimed to have experienced in my practice was no where to be found in my day.  In fact, I was getting increasingly irritable and my day was disintegrating before my eyes.

So, I didn’t write.

I decided to sleep in this morning.  Essentially I succumbed to my first ‘negotiation’ which allowed me some sleep in exchange for a promise to attend the 6:3o pm class.  A class I resisted all day long.  By 4 pm, any number of breakdowns were presenting themselves as prime reasons to skip tonight’s class.  In fact my entire day showed up like a freakin’ obstacle course including the pop-up surprise obstacles.

So I never wrote about my second class.  I just decided to show up for my third class.

And I struggled.  I wrestled with my fatigue, my sore muscles, my nausea and my physical restrictions.  When you are tight muscularly, you end up working much harder than the form requires.  It increased my body temperature and sweat poured out of my like a fountain.  At one point I believed I would have to stop.

I never stopped.  I rested.  I regrouped.  I got some water.  I never stopped.  And I started writing again.  In my head, I started writing.  I self-dictated an essay on letting go of everything that was supposed to be.  I wrote about finding with ease a place to continue my practice.  I wrote about witnessing the small changes that occurred, the minor adjustments, the increased strength, the fluidity in movement and even the joy that can be found in breakdown.  I was writing about the sudden disappearance of chaos.  And creativity within absolute order.  It was all there, and I was writing all about it.

Then we started to work on our handstands.  I was no where near getting up on my hands or my forearms.  Nowhere near.  My chest was too tight, my arms were fatigued, my balance was off, my shoulders were weak.  I couldn’t do a handstand to save my life.

The benefits of Adho Murkha Vrksasana (Hand Stand) besides all of the physical ones, is  to provide perspective which helps with concentration and mild-depression.  Makes sense.  You are turning yourself upside down.  That is the ultimate change in perspective.

It was in that moment that I realized.  My 5 day a week for 4 week yoga challenge is about turning my world upside down. To gain a perspective that I’ve lost in the mire of life.

To accomplish this I have  a few challenges.  I need to open up my front body – my heart center.  The part of me that is an expression of love and vulnerability.  This will in turn contribute to my balance which is all about stability.  I have to work on my core strength which separates the part of me that reaches up and the part of me that grounds itself.  So let me reiterate:  vulnerability, love, balance, stability, reaching up and grounding down.  When I succeed at a handstand.  Or something like that.

I need to sleep now!

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